Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

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Forgetting What is Behind and Straining toward What is Ahead

May 11, 2010

Today is my wedding anniversary.  18 years on paper, yet separated the past 4 1/2 years. 

What hurts the most is the waste, the senselessness of it all.  It’s so sad to see a childhood filled with pain, confusion and anger, buried for years, now surface and come back to haunt and to hurt and to destroy taking down as casualties not only him, but us, our union, our marriage…and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I would have stood by him, fought with him, fought for him, but he wanted none of it.  He wanted out, he wanted to be alone, he wanted to deal with this himself. 

I’ve gone the gamut of unbelief, thinking I could wait it out and all would be well again; the pain of betrayal as he sought help and relief from another; hope as he realized that wasn’t the answer; and acceptance as I realize he still isn’t ready and may never be.

I’ve learned that life goes on, that God gives you strength and meaning again, that although He hates what happened, He will and did bring me through the valley and He’s wanting to do the same for my husband if only he’d let Him.  God didn’t cause my husband’s pain, or our marriage to fail, but He could heal and help us to go on, stronger than ever if we would give Him the chance.  Since that won’t be, my prayer is that my husband will find his own way to the only One who can give him the strength, understanding and acceptance that he needs. 

I’ve learned to move on, to find hope again, to find a purpose and reason to let go.  I have learned to respect and accept his decision, even knowing its the wrong one, but it is what it is.  I am now ready to let go.  I’ve always been a dreamer and, for a short time, my dreams were dimmed but now they are popping up all around me again, calling me to come on, come higher up.

I’ve made my peace, now he needs to make his.

fractured heart